What if Barack Obama were just a normal citizen? A normal, taxpaying schmoe like you and me. These are his stories. These are the travails of Citizen Obama.
Mr. Obama, I'm sorry to say that your wife's mother is suffering from some serious ailments.
We'll need to do an extensive battery of tests. Her white blood cell count is elevated, which could mean a variety of things.
Also, it appears she needs a hip replacement.
Doctor, thank you. Even though this is family, I don't want you to go to extraordinary lengths.
You know what? We should cut costs.
It pains me to say this, but don't do any tests.
Don't give her that expensive drug. It treats a rare disease and is very expensive. The last thing I'd want to do is run up costs for other Americans.
No, she's getting up there in years, and according to Ezekiel Emanuel's "Complete Lives System", she's consumed enough of our precious community health care resources.
No, we're not going to go to the Cleveland Clinic, Johns Hopkins or some other top-notch facility.
Who am I to demand cutting-edge treatment? Those extra tests? Cutting-edge drugs? No, we don't want any of those.
And look. She's 79, for heaven's sake. Forget about the hip replacement.
She can handle it, she's tougher than nails.
Look, bottom line: just give her some painkillers.
It's just the progressive thing to do.